Life Flying Past

I cannot believe that it has been over two months since the last time I posted a new blog. If anyone reads these, my apologies to keep you waiting. Thinking about what has transpired since I posted the last entry, I see a paradox. So much has happened, and my life is irreversibly changed. Yet, at the same time, the peace of heart and mind is still foremost in my mind, and the search for faith continues. Day by day I wrestle with the questions of life which I have always assumed to know. Doubt is still very much a part of my life, though now it is not voluntary as it once was. I am much closer to Christianity in thought than I have been. My current thoughts are directed towards the incarnation. This seems to be the issue on which historic Christianity rises and falls. Though I began my journey in search of a completely objective conclusion, I abandon this now. Fair-mindedness is now a lofty goal, and I will not deny that I have been working towards faith, and the work is not easy. I have not stumbled upon an undenyable truth; I am working towards a faith in something I don't understand. Though I do not claim to know on behalf of others, I have learned much, and what I have learned I would not exchange for the certainty which I once held. Still, it seems that my journey is not without more than its share of unforeseen turns and obstacles. It is likely that I would have long ago stopped my journey--if only to rest (a scary thought), had it not been for an unlikely source. I like a girl. To downplay the effect this relationship has played in my thought would be downright dishonest. I constantly look for the places where my journey can run alongside another's. This aspect of life constantly reminds me of the richness that this life has to offer. Recently I had a very sudden and surprising realization. There is very little I am certain of in this life, and what little clarity exists stands out brilliantly from the much more prevalent darkness. If there exists such a thing as capital "T" truth, I have found it not in the classroom; but in love. I have found the truest things I know in living. Standing outside in the Indiana winter, the abruptness of reality left a profound impact on me. The truth found in living requires many things; the most important of these being life itself. What can be learned in living requires a life in which to learn. Everyday life must be more than everyday life, because life as we know it is life flying past.

And life goes on....

Well, life goes on. For those of you who are reading this out of interest, thanks for checking up on me. For those of you who are merely compulsive AIM away message checkers (I have been suffering a minor case), then, welcome. The news here at the moment is not much news. Life does indeed go on. I have been engaged in the past 10 months on a journey that has brought down walls and torn out foundations, yet slowly, rebuilding is taking place. Many of you, (when I say many I mean as many people as read this... i dont know), have talked to me in short or at length about where I am in life at the moment. It is a very good question--where am I in life right now? The answer to which, I really do not know. In this search for "Truth", capital "T" or otherwise, I have essentially abandoned most of what I have ever believed in the past, all for the sake of "Truth". When setting out, I began with a lofty goal of seeing, comprehending and believing what the "Truth" about the universe was, in relation to God, me, Jesus, etc. As a Christian, I figured that if Christianity was true, then no search for truth could ever do any harm. Looking back, I realize that my goal was quite lofty, and now I even might say impossible. It was truly me trying to search out tangible, objective "T"ruth, arrived at with no biases. I have slowly and painfully become aware of the shortcomings of my attempt. "As one of my profs put it, "objectivity is a pipe dream". Interestingly, he did not say this to discourage objectivity, but rather to encourage it. I now see the wisdom in this. I have to realize that I am, as a human being, more than just Reason. I am not a search engine. There is more to me than my intellect. I am human. I am beginning to ask what it means to fully be human. I am starting to think that even if I was capable of complete objectivity (existentialists call this "dispassionate learning" for a reason), I would not be functioning at my full capacity. I increasingly am thinking that, as a human, I was intended for, or at least I am capable of more. Love. Is this an intellectual copout for being wrong? It might be, I dont know. I need to look into it further. In any case, where am I in life? I really don't know. It may be that my feet find solid ground tomorrow, or it could be the end of my life, or after. Reading Augustine's Confessions, I resonated with his plea, "Let it be now, let it be now." I see the truth in C.S. Lewis' understanding of faith. "That is why Faith is such a necessary virtue: unless you teach your moods 'where they get off', you can never be either a sound Christian or even a sound atheist, but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs really dependent on the weather and the state of its digestion. Consequently one must train the habit of Faith." My life has been characterized with exactly this "dithering" for quite some time. I am beginning to develop this "faith", as Lewis understands it, though I am taking baby steps--if that. Where is it that I should put my faith? Again, I dont know. I feel as if I am coming closer, but I have not arrived at the place of peace in my head and heart. In any case, in this reality of which I am a part, I am not privileged to see the future. So, tomorrow awaits.

As we walk

As we Walk, Talk, Breathe, then Leave this lush labyrinth

Questions questions questions, what if we get it wrong?

As we Eat, sleep, Breath then leave this world of tears

Questions Questions Questions, what if we miss the point?

Some Live and Some die, and life goes on around us

War , Love, and hate, such odd company make

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We’re livin in a Busy, busy world where no one loves their daddy

What makes life worth livin, if we’re all alone?

We’re gonna reap what we’re sowing, and since devotion’s borin

Soon Life’s not worth livin, since we’re all alone

Some laugh and some cry, and life goes on around us

Hope is hard to find, though some say its free

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It’s a cloudy day, when the sunset fades Away,

The cold cold world thaws its way to sanity

If one friend heaven sent helps carry the burden

That life has brought to me

Ther’re days wet and days dry, and life goes on around us

Friends, though far between, mean the world to me