On Trust and Vulnerability, Part One

My apologies go out to the month of September. A week ago, I knew what the entry would be about, but I never made the time to give last month its dues. Belated by four days, here it goes for September.
Last month almost ended me. "I don't know what life will be like in a month" has once again proven remarkably true. The past four weeks challenged me in ways I've never experienced; yet, somehow I am not surprised that I have been so thoroughly challenged. As always, the actual challenge caught me completely off guard. But if I am to stay consistent with the 'roads' I referred to last month, it should not shock me that I am forced to cross a few rivers or canyons.
The rivers and canyons will always come, and it seems fair to think that God must put us through trials to train us in the art of trust. Anyone who endeavors to trust a God who cannot be stared at , embraced, or speed-dialed must be put through the pain of vulnerability. Trust and vulnerability. Honestly, I hate those words right now. I wake up every morning feeling naked (I'm not, for the record) and alone (I'm not, for the record). Countless times through each day, I want to throw up my hands in disgust and plan my own life. And that is exactly why I have to be here right now. Despite the empty churn I feel in my stomach when I say this, I know I am supposed to be here at this point of vulnerability and unrest. If I never came to this point of unrest, I could never go on to the point of rest that lies on the far side of trust.
Uggh.

Well, I said I knew what I wanted to say for September, but this wasnt it. I think I'll be back at this soon, so stay tuned. Or dont. Its your call.

Roads Worth Traveling

Being on the 'One entry per month' plan, here goes August. I am now preparing to head back to the WU in a little under a week, and in a bit of a reflective mood. The upcoming move back to school forces me to reconsider the events of the summer. As always, my life seems significantly different from the beginning of the summer. I suppose that the college years often have this effect on people's lives. There is so much happening, so many decisions being made, so many directions being chosen. Our lives receive their initial direction from these years, and the choices we make now will certainly pave the way for the rest of our lives. I am beginning to see this phase of my life as a time of road building. The roads that I am paving are not easily constructed, but it is certainly easier now than at any other point in my life. My goal is to lay paths that I will not have to abandon later in life. I want all that I do now to contribute as a good beginning to the direction that my life takes. The paths that I am laying must be in the right direction (general direction), and they must of good quality. These two priniciples apply to every aspect of my life. My relationships, my academic work, my 'blue collar' work, and my future plans all should proceed in light of this realization.
Another important point, I should not fail to mention that in all I do, my goals stem from what I feel that I being called to do by God. For those of you who arent Christians, it probably seems arrogant to say that I would expect a god, in fact, The God, to direct my life. However, as I continue to learn and lay roads, I am encouraged by how my trust in the Christian God has been rewarded by a path more wisely chosen than any I could have arrived at. I would be lying if I concluded that my immediate happiness has always been acquired by following after God. Many times, if not most, I am challenged to the point of despair when I submit to following after a Will that is not my own. Yet, I have consistenly found there is light at the end of the paths that are required of me. Most of the difficulties I have encountered have yielded a measure fruit beyond anything I could have anticipated. There are some things that I have yet to see come to fruition, but here I feel I am assured in trusting an Engineer beyond my capacity.
Ok, now I'm pulling it all together, so that you can stop reading and start posting that comment that you are dying to get started on.
Well, I think the reflective mood that I mentioned at the outset has been rewarding, but I am even more convinced that the summer has been a significant change. Good. I needed a change. In any case, school is about to start, I have no clue what this semseter will bring, but I'm excited. I like knowing what I am going to do about not knowing what I am going to do. Here's the game plan: I am going to continue to lay roads that will hopefully prove solid and in the right general direction, and I am going to trust that an ultimately wise Dept. of Transportation has some incredible plans for the roads ahead. Not necessarily a superhighway, but at least a highly useful dirt path.

I'm Back.

I'm Back.
How many different things can one phrase mean? I'd be hard-pressed to come up with a maximum number, but at least two.
1) From Europe. Been there, done that. Twice. (Really, I went twice.) Both adventures have been centered around the European Leadership Forum, as mentioned in the previous post. This time, the trip was with my family: our last as our classic nucleus of 5. (We are about to pick up a winner of a # 6 to go along with our # 3.) Anyway, the trip was our last as a family, and as always, my family never ceases to amaze me. I appreciate them more everyday I am with them, and they frusterate me in new and exciting ways each and every day as well. Thats number one. Europe with the fam: check.
2) Everything else it could possibly mean. Thanks in large part to the Forum: participants, leaders, material, etc., I (though I suspect not really me) was able to revive the faith which I had nearly lost. The Forum included philosophers, theologians, scientists, pastors, and laypersons, all holding strongly to the belief that Christianity truly is the true description of reality. I would be lying if I said I no longer struggle with the doubt which had so clouded my mind and memory, but I can honestly say that my faith has not been more vibrant in well over a year. Being a philosophy student, I have no doubt that my current understanding of God/reality/etc will be challenged come Fall. Yet, the shift that I have made was not towards a logical diagram of God, nor a cut and dry philosophy or theology. I simply agreed to trust in Him who I once trusted. I agreed to believe that life has a meaning and a purpose, and that it is perfectly reasonable to think that humans function better with a purpose and meaning because that is how they were made to function. I am learning, but more importantly, I'm growing. There are still a myriad of important, vital questions that I must answer, but I seek to do that in clear view of the One who has called me.
As the title indicates, this is not a new place for me. I remember well that a few years ago I experienced the nerve-wracking excitement and painful comfort of a life lived in pursuit of Godliness and in relationship to God. So now, as I work towards a healthy and well-thought out faith, I pray for faith and faithfulness, as well as for obedience and the chance to make God smile.
"So, whats next?" you ask. Good question, faithful blog reader. Unfortunately, I dont know. Well, maybe fortunately I dont know. For now, I am working on tomorrow--that it would be a day lived more passionately devoted to God, lived out in service of others. Yeah, I better just stick with tomorrow. (Also tomorrow includes hanging out with the Vaas clan in Columbus and then a weekend up at Kelley's Island with the Bells. SWEEET.) Take care, and God Bless.

Oh, and hang in there if you cant see God right now. Your eyes arent good.

Oh, and I miss Rachel. A lot. <---------------> At least that much, if not more.

Thats all for tonight.